Ande!

24 October 2009 @ 02:14 am

Letting go of a dream hurts more than reaching for it...

I'm moving back to Michigan. Even just typing that two weeks after makng the initial decision still brings tears to my eyes...

It feels like giving up...like failure...and it hurts. I'm not going to justify the decision here...you simply need to know that I have no other option at this point.

I'm trying really hard not to call the last six months a mistake...really hard. I've never been one to believe in coincidence...my life has been too hard at times for me to believe that there isn't something greater that I'm slowly making my way towards. How can there not be a purpose? A reason for the pain and hardships?

...without the idea of a greater plan, the only reason I'm not teaching yet is that I'm not good enough...I refuse to believe that.

There is a reason that I was here...I might not be able to see it now, but I do know that I'm not who I was when I got in my car on the morning of April 6th...I'm stronger--more self aware...and knowing that is enough for now.

I can once again accept what I thought to be the end of my journey to be just another step. I'll get to my destination eventually--and until I do I'll cherish the journey and every single heartache and joy and trial and lesson and relationship and person that these steps take me accross. I'll love them all with what they were handed down for...with purpose.

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24 August 2009 @ 12:09 am

Trust.

Almost five months ago I made one of the most difficult choices I've ever been faced with. The act of leaving every comfort I had was hard enough in itself and I was convinced that talking that first step was going to sting for a little while and then I'd be okay. That I'd get here and everything would fall into place and I'd have reason to be proud of myself again. However, as usually proves to be the case, my plan differed slightly from Gods.

School starts back tomorrow and I don't have a classroom. Admiting that feels like admiting defeat and the thought of waiting another year to touch my dream hurts in a way that begs me to give up. Ive struggled way more than I anticipated I would and I fight off the feeling of failure every day....every day.

I don't understand this path He's put me on...I don't...but I trust that there is a purpose. I know I'm not alone...and for that i am beyond thankful. I have so many people to help me through this next year...and that is why I'm determined to cast aside my fear and keep moving forward. There is a reason for the detour...a purpose to the pain...and a place for me to end up. I trust that there is and I refuse let myself give up after working so hard to get to where I am.

I'm needed here.

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Current Location: Home.

Current Mood: Determined

Current Music: "if you want me to" Ginny Owens

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04 April 2009 @ 01:00 am

In which I practice having HOPE...Hanson would be proud!

I'm just partaking in a bit of journal therapy...if you care to read feel free--if not, enjoy the pretty song and have a GREAT weekend!

( Hope and Faith... )

Current Mood:

hopeful

Current Music: "Live What I'm Dreaming Of" Trading Yesterday

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27 March 2009 @ 10:30 pm

Things that make you stronger....

I haven't posted in here for a while and the biggest thing that has happened to me is my decision to bump my move to Texas from the end of May to next week. I'm not getting any work here...like it's literally almost completely halted...so I've decided that it would be for the best if i just went ahead and go now. It is not a choice i made lightly...and it was not an easy choice...in fact its probably one of the hardest decisions I've ever made. I'll have to say goodbye to almost everyone I love two months sooner than I'd originally planned to. It's been an emotional five days and the next week is probably only going to get worse.

I just did what was probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I explained to Madison (my 5 y/o niece for all intents and purposes) that I'm moving away to Texas next week and that I wont get to see her as often as I do now. She's been a MASSIVE part of my everyday life since she was 1 and leaving her and her younger brother and sister breaks my heart. I know deep in my heart that God put those babies in my life for a reason and thank him everyday for them...there have been times over the last four years when life became unbearably difficult and all it took was one grin or hug from her to put things back into perspective. I've told Becky more than once that I cannot even begin to fathom what it must be like for a mother to love her child because they aren't even mine and I can't imagine loving them even an ounce more that I do.

I KNOW that this move is what I need to be doing right now...it's right....but that doesn't make it any easier. I take comfort in the fact that I know Becky understands my love for her children and will make an honest effort along with me to keep me a part of their lives forever--no matter how far apart we live. I take comfort in the fact that this is not goodbye forever...not even close.

There are many more people that I'll have to say goodbye to over the next week (including more kids that I'm really quite attached to as well)...so please, keep me in your thoughts and prayers as I continue to maneuver this life altering (but certainly for the better) choice.

Current Mood:

thankful

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08 March 2009 @ 09:27 pm

Idol Time

Oh-HAI! So there is only ONE TV show that I watch regularly and it's American Idol...I know...I know...I can't help it.

I have a CLEAR fave this year already...which doesn't usually happen this early. I'm actually MORE excited about him than I ever have been about an Idol before. I absolutely LOVE Adam Lambert. He's completely adorable AND he's got talent...what more could a girl ask for?! My obsession with him over the last week has grown to Hanson-like levels!! *grin* SO if you're an Idol watcher help me support Adam. KAI-THX-BAI

Current Mood:

Smitten

Current Music: "Satisfaction" Adam Lambert

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18 February 2009 @ 12:47 am

Remember that one time that I disappeared for weeks?

OK...here it is...the reason I’ve been MIA for several weeks.

...Life.

For Serious. In the last several weeks I have:

- Traveled to Texas (for the first time) and applied to 9 different school districts

-Turned 26

- Traveled to Miami and the Bahamas with Hanson and muh Bunneh (AKA: Molly) (also, touched...I mean met Taylor Hanson for the first time in...ever. *dies happy*)

- Started taking the last two classes that I needed for my Language Arts endorsement (and TOTALLY showed my first quiz who was boss!!)

-Had my car in and out of the shop....twice.

-Wrote about 6,000 words on my novel

And a lot of other crap that I’m not going to list here...cause it would take forever. I understand that you are anticipating pics and crap...that will have to wait...sorry.

EDIT: also...I forgot mention of two epic things...I actually met Marcy in person and we hung out (though that really wasn't much different at all...aside from possibly being more funny) AND we TOTES had our first concert together...DAVE BARNES-FRONT ROW...i was epic. that is all.

In other news: I FREAKING got my first call from a Texas School District today!! *EPIC FLAIL* and also, I finished my first book of the year (no surprise it was my first with all of the life that I’ve been doing). It was “Havemercy” by Jaida Jones and it was AwesomeTastic!! And I hearted it VURRAH much and if you are looking for a good book for which to read you should TOTES jump on that one. Also, I think I'm going to try to update more often so I don't have to do these epic update posts.

Current Location: home

Current Mood:

hopeful

Current Music: The Inbetween Playlist

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16 January 2009 @ 12:24 am

-15 to 74...*is a bit concerned her body might go into shock*

This is my farewell post! I'm off to the airport in about three hours!! WHEEEE!! Expect an EPIC post when I get back!! YAYZ!!

Current Location: freezing MI for another 4 hours...

Current Mood:

Impatient

Current Music: Rock Boat Playlist

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15 January 2009 @ 08:01 am

sad sad story number 326864: the day i was a sickie

So, Twilight fans are probably familiar with a quote from the books that has something to do with bottling bad luck and using it as a weapon of mass destruction? Yes? Well dear Bella hold NOTHING on me and my luck. I haven't been sick enough to warrent a Dr visit in well over 3 years...almost 4 actually. This is a good thing, because due to my current lack of JOB I also have a current lack of HEALTH INSURANCE...it happens.

IMPORTANT SIDE NOTE: if you've been able to escape my absolute pure squee over the situation, I'm going on a cruise in the Bahamas with 27 bands (including Hanson) on Saturday. CAPS LOCK CAN NOT ACCURATELY EXPRESS MY ABSOLUTE JOYGASM OVER THIS FACT!

To make a long sad story into a shorter sad story, I've been sick THREE FREAKING TIMES in the last three weeks!! THREE!! I'm pretty sure that right now, as I type this sad story, that I have Tonsillitis...yeah...less than 24 hours before I leave for Miami and MY FREAKING CRUISE!! So in about 20 minutes I'll be dragging my butt out (in the 12 degrees BELOW zero temperature) to the doctor to PAY them to tell me what I already know so I can get some antibiotics so instead of lying in bed with a sore throat and a fever on Sunday I can be out in Nassau, Bahamas SHOPPING AND PIRATE TOURING WITH MY BEST FRIEND!!!*DEEEP-BREATH*

....yeah.

Done now, I just needed to vent. Thanks for listening!

EDIT: There are drugs...stronger drugs...I WILL win this battle!

Current Location: Bed

Current Mood:

crappy

Current Music: Teh Rock Boat Playlist!

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08 January 2009 @ 07:12 pm

Consider yourself updated...

A quick update! READY...SET...GO!

~I've OFFICIALLY applied for my Certification Audit by the Texas Department of Education!! I'm just waiting for them to get back to me on what tests I have to take in order to gain my Texas Teaching Certificate!! WHEE!! Also, I bought TONS of resume making items because (as strange and happy as this is) the districts surrounding the area I'm moving to don't have online applications :) This is good for me though cause I prefer paper apps and resumes; they make it easier to stand out (it's hard to stand out when everyone looks the same on a computer screen)!!

~Classes started this week again! The LAST TWO I need to be certified to teach English/Language Arts to Kinder-8th Grade!! I'm taking Intro to Linguistics on campus on Tuesdays and Thursdays and Ethnic-American Literature online. Wish me LUCK!

( Removed to keep Marcy's level of sad from getting too low :( )

~um, that is all.

Current Location: Home

Current Mood:

geeky

Current Music: "Let it Go" Graham Colton (WHO WILL BE ON ROCK BOAT!)

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01 January 2009 @ 02:11 am

OMG *FLAIL*

Look!!! do you see!!!! *points up and around* *flail!!* I heart my friends...that is all. Thank you SOOOO freaking much Marcy! Words cannot describe how much freaking awesome you are!!

Also....THIS IS THE YEAR I MOVE TO TEXAS!!! (a longer new years post to follow when i'm not quite so....innebriated *giggle*)

Current Location: Mom's house...

Current Mood:

bouncy

Current Music: none...thats sad...*puts some on*

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31 December 2008 @ 04:00 am

Hello 2009

Um...this is a rather long post concerning a recent and possibly life altering decision I've made...if you're not really invested in me you might wanna skip it *giggle*

( Deep Breath )

Current Location: Bed...

Current Mood:

hopeful

Current Music: "It's a Long Way To The Top" AC/DC

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14 December 2008 @ 11:47 pm

Reason #3468653 why I'm happy....

this...

that is all.

Current Location: home

Current Mood:

grateful

Current Music: Breaking Benjamin

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13 December 2008 @ 11:39 pm

More Happy.

Why am I happy today?

Ummm, because I have super cool friends that keep life interesting!! And because Ashlyn started doing this little giggle-coo thing this week and she did it a lot today and it is seriously THE CUTEST THING EVER! No Joke.

Also, The Wonder Pets...they make everyone happy!! "The Phone...the phone is ringing. The phone, we'll be right there!!!"

Current Location: My Sisters House

Current Mood:

cheerful

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12 December 2008 @ 09:20 pm

*FLAIL!!*

OMG OHHHH HAPPY DAY!!

So I get home today from work and finals and yuk weather...to ROCK BOAT CARE PACKAGE!! WOOTY! This is my happy for the day!

Inside there was:
~A Beach Ball
~A window cling thing
~A door hanger
~A smelly car airfreshener thing (It's a Truck Driver theme this year...hence they call it The Rock Boat Niner)
~CD's!! with a song from each of the artists on RB
~AND BEST OF ALL!! a timesheet of performances!!! So Molly and I can make our GAME PLAN! WHOO!!

k, I'll get myself under control now.

*mini-flail*

Done now.

Current Location: Home

Current Mood:

ecstatic

Current Music: TRB playlist!!

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11 December 2008 @ 10:13 pm

Happy Day 2

Things that made me happy today...
~Sleeping in.
~Paying my taxes....yes I know....but getting it overwith lifted a HUGE weight off my shoulders.
~Getting the book I've been waiting AGES for in the mail!! WOOTY!!

Um, I think that's it. I also got my classes squared away this afternoon...so that's nice. I'm registered for the last two classes that I need to get my Language Arts endorsement...then I'll be certified to teach English K-8....goody...Jr. High!

Current Location: my bed.

Current Mood:

content

Current Music: my Rock Boat playlist...YAYZ!!

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10 December 2008 @ 09:00 pm

Look at me...I'M HAPPY!

Marcy is making me do this...again. Her power of persuasion is very...effective.

8 Days of Happy: Day 1

~My nephew and nieces. For Serious. I heart them hardcore. Wanna see? Of course you do!

~Also, I just PWND my Grammar Class. That is all.

Current Location: Home

Current Mood:

amused

Current Music: Christmas Playlist

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01 December 2008 @ 09:16 pm

In which I procrastinate....

Marcy made me do it....actually I'm trying to avoid doing homework...clearly, I'm successful!

Welcome to the 2008 edition of getting to know your friends! Try not to be lame and spoil the fun! If you get tagged, copy this entire survey and paste into your own blog, change all of the answers so that they apply to you. Then visit the profiles of some of your friends and “Tag” them by simply leaving a comment, asking them to visit your blog, and state that they have been Tagged! The theory is that you will learn a lot of little things about your friends that you might not have known! Some of you may get tagged several times, so they can always refer back to your blog for your answers.

( Distraction )

pretend like you didn't notice the spelling mistakes...i dont wanna go into MS word to spell check it...it'll make me think about the speech.

Current Location: the basement couch

Current Mood:

blah

Current Music: one more-Hanson

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21 November 2008 @ 09:20 am

Twilight: I did NOT love it (spoiler free)

Um...buh...guh...dfkjsdgfksajdgoasudnl!! Well, that about sums it up. Thanks for reading!

For serious? Okay, so after nearly 2 full years in the fandom...as a relatively active member in the fandom...I finally, FINALLY got to see it. I went into this with relatively low expectations. I mean, I went in KNOWING that as a fan I'd LOVE it...cause thats how I am. However, I had some concerns. It's a movie based on my all time favorite book, and movies are NEVER better than the book...and are RARELY as good as the book. Plus, this story is one that is difficult to protray on screen without seeming...hokey? I mean, it's a love story between a HS girl and a vampire that SPARKLES for heavens sake!! Also, there was that whole TEENSY-WEENSY budget thing. I was concerned about the special effects and how everything would come across on screen. Now, mind you...I had these concerns and still knew I'd love it...

I did NOT love it....there are no words for what I feel about it...love does not do what I feel for it justice! I was blown away! My expectations were SO FAR exceeded that I am literally speechless!! ALL of my concerns were completely unjustified! This was DEFINATELY as good as the books in my opinion...I'm not going to go as far as to say it was better...it wasn't...but I enjoyed watching it every bit as much as I enjoyed reading the books. It did NOT seem hokey or weird...the changes made to the story were justified and flowed well with the original plot...in fact I was so into the movie and the way it was being protrayed that I didn't have time to even stop to think; "HEY, that's not how it happens!". The special effects were not spectacular; however, they were also not bad at all. I was worried about the running and the sparkling and both came across on screen MUCH better than I'd been expecting.

The year long wait for it was agonizing, the five hours in line (while fun) was excruciating, I only slept for 3.5 hours last night, and now I'm sitting here at work...dragging...Was it worth it? YES! Definately! I was every bit as drawn into the film as I was the movie...EVERY BIT!

There will be 4 viewings this weekend for me, last night included. I have to wait until 9 PM tonight to see it again. SUCK! But I get to see it with my little sister/Twilight buddy Cassie, who hasn't seen it yet!! This is going to be a VERY w00tY kind of weekend!

Current Mood:

jubilant

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17 November 2008 @ 11:48 am

In which I love the things I love...

I borrowed this from

marcyjo cause she rocks my world.

In no particular order...

Things I am Thankful for:

-Robert Pattinson's Hands....Just kidding!

1: Family- A very unoriginal response to that question, however that doesn't make it any less sincere. I would be no one with out the love and strength that I get from my family. My mother and sisters in particular have made me into who I am, and while I tend to complain about them and don't always like them or the choices they make...I will always, ALWAYS love them.

2: My Job(s)- Yes. I am aware that I spend a GREAT deal of time griping about my working situation...please, just know that I am very thankful to even have work in the first place (as there are many that do not right now) and even MORE grateful that I get such joy out of my work.

3: My Friends- Again, a generic response...and still just as true. I thank God everyday to have women in my life that I can trust and go to when I have problems that need working through or joys that need celebrating. I make very little distinction between my close friends that I see face to face everyday and my close friends online that I don't see, but talk to everyday. You are all very important to me, and I would be equally lost if I didn't have any one of you in my life.

4: Fandom- HA! A non-generic response! Yes, I am thankful for fandom! That little tiny piece of insanity that allows me to escape the hardships of real life for even just a few minutes everyday. Sure they sometime make me act in way that can be viewed by some as...less than mature (i.e. staying up until 530 am), sure they can use up an unreasonable amount of my spare cash, and sure there are times when one might use the word *whispers* ...obsession...However, my fandoms also provide me with something to focus on other than the stress of "real life", a way to connect with AMAZING people that I would have otherwise never met, and a sense of self that I can be proud of. Plus--there are worse things to be obsessed with, like Crack for example or Bestiality! *giggle*

5: Music/Myself/Faith- I've grouped these together for a reason...because I can't have one without the others. I LIVE for music...I use it to manipulate my moods like others use drugs. It has the ability to lift me up or bring me down in under 4 minutes. I rely heavily on it as a therapeutic tool to get through the stress of everyday life. I was actually asked recently what I'd rather loose, my eyesight or my hearing...and without hesitation my answer was my eyesight. I can't imagine life without being able to hear, because I can't imagine myself without music, it's as simple as that. And the second part of this one is my sense of self and my sense of faith. I'm SO thankful that I'm in a place in my life where I really feel like I KNOW who I am and I'm happy with it! I'm grateful for the fact that I can have faith that no matter what life throws at me, that I-as an individual-will have the strength to overcome. I LOVE me...as retarded as that sounds...I do.

Current Location: Work

Current Mood:

grateful

Current Music: None right now...as sad as that is.

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05 November 2008 @ 10:53 am

Dream On....

I'm not one to flaunt my political preferences...I'm too scared of confrontation for that *giggle* However, I just feel like I need to document this...to journal it.

We have all just been a part of history...no matter what side you stood on, you played a role.

I just need to say here that never in my life...not once; not as a child nor adult, not as a woman/sister/daughter, not as an educator nor student...never have I ever been so proud of my country as I am today. To me all issues aside; for me this is not about democrat and republican, us and them, me and you...it's about hope. As sappy and cleched as that sounds, it is truth for me. He will not be perfect, in fact I'm positve he'll make mistakes (dont we all)....but he gives us hope.

Those of us that are different, those of us that can't quite click into that place that we know deep down we are meant to be, those of us that work and work and work for the things we dare to dream...he is hope that someday, someday that work will pay off.

Anything truly can be done now...again, I've never felt more pride in my country and I've never known there to be more truth in the phrase "if you can dream it, if you can believe it, you can do it!"

So my dear friends, let fear fall away...go for it because it is ppssible!

PS: I'll make sure I reference this post when I'm teaching in Italy.

Current Location: school

Current Mood:

hopeful

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